if only...

I have a doctors appointment comming up here on thursday. Im terrified of bad news. I think i might be terrified of good news. But mostly its the bad news i think. What do you do if you find out you are incapable of procreation. I'll live sure, but what kind of life is that? I've wanted to mother my own kids for, well ever. Spawn little trouble makers to rival them all and what not. I just, sigh. I guess there is really nothing i can do either way. I could skip out on the appointment, but living in darknes is only great for a while. soon it drives you mad and you wander off a cliff looking for a flashlight. So i will go. Doctors are satists who like to see people in pain.

But what will they say?

Pray for me. I'm a little eccentric as it is. I already think about slaping pregnant ladies as i pass them, so ill need your prayers to prevent such a thing from happening. cause thats just sad.

The letter that started it all

I have been making plans to adopt. I have taken the first and most crucial part of the process. I have consented for a social worker to investigate the inner most workings of my family and decide if I am "parent material."
So I suppose it is little wonder I have not blogged in what seems to be weeks. Where as my online journal served as a cleansing tool before; a place where I could share my feelings with the void who would never judge me only listen, now seems to be a scary place. A place where I must admit true feelings and look at my self as if in a looking glass.
What can be said of raising someone else's child? Who can decide but yourself if you have the love, patience, determination, and fortitude to love a child in need as your own. I suppose you yourself cannot decide. It is simply up to the lord.
I face the question: is it possible that the reason I have not yet been able to have children because there is another child out there who desperately needs the love my husband and I can so freely give?
And if it is simply coincidence, and not some part of a huge plan, why then do I feel so compelled to do that wich I most fear?
Is in not our responsibility to care for those charged to us by heavenly father? And when others fail in their responsibilities, is it not up to us to pick up the slack and, I cant believe I'm using this cleche; feed his sheep?
I think back on what my sister said to me of foster care. And that that she DIDNT say but I understood all the same.
Should we let such things as feelings of inadequacy lead us around forever? Or should we take that first and most terrifying of steps into the darkness of the unknown and pray there is light at the end of the way?
I suppose it was a quick decision. But at the same time I have been thinking about it for years. So as I usually do, I stopped thinking about what I was sure was right and just did it. I am still frightened. But as my hero, Mary Fielding Smith, the woman I look up to when I am most in need of courage said, "I have made a step forward. And I will NOT go back."
So with those words of wisdom and a prayer in my heart, I take a deep breath and step forward. And I will NOT go back.