if only...

I have a doctors appointment comming up here on thursday. Im terrified of bad news. I think i might be terrified of good news. But mostly its the bad news i think. What do you do if you find out you are incapable of procreation. I'll live sure, but what kind of life is that? I've wanted to mother my own kids for, well ever. Spawn little trouble makers to rival them all and what not. I just, sigh. I guess there is really nothing i can do either way. I could skip out on the appointment, but living in darknes is only great for a while. soon it drives you mad and you wander off a cliff looking for a flashlight. So i will go. Doctors are satists who like to see people in pain.

But what will they say?

Pray for me. I'm a little eccentric as it is. I already think about slaping pregnant ladies as i pass them, so ill need your prayers to prevent such a thing from happening. cause thats just sad.

The letter that started it all

I have been making plans to adopt. I have taken the first and most crucial part of the process. I have consented for a social worker to investigate the inner most workings of my family and decide if I am "parent material."
So I suppose it is little wonder I have not blogged in what seems to be weeks. Where as my online journal served as a cleansing tool before; a place where I could share my feelings with the void who would never judge me only listen, now seems to be a scary place. A place where I must admit true feelings and look at my self as if in a looking glass.
What can be said of raising someone else's child? Who can decide but yourself if you have the love, patience, determination, and fortitude to love a child in need as your own. I suppose you yourself cannot decide. It is simply up to the lord.
I face the question: is it possible that the reason I have not yet been able to have children because there is another child out there who desperately needs the love my husband and I can so freely give?
And if it is simply coincidence, and not some part of a huge plan, why then do I feel so compelled to do that wich I most fear?
Is in not our responsibility to care for those charged to us by heavenly father? And when others fail in their responsibilities, is it not up to us to pick up the slack and, I cant believe I'm using this cleche; feed his sheep?
I think back on what my sister said to me of foster care. And that that she DIDNT say but I understood all the same.
Should we let such things as feelings of inadequacy lead us around forever? Or should we take that first and most terrifying of steps into the darkness of the unknown and pray there is light at the end of the way?
I suppose it was a quick decision. But at the same time I have been thinking about it for years. So as I usually do, I stopped thinking about what I was sure was right and just did it. I am still frightened. But as my hero, Mary Fielding Smith, the woman I look up to when I am most in need of courage said, "I have made a step forward. And I will NOT go back."
So with those words of wisdom and a prayer in my heart, I take a deep breath and step forward. And I will NOT go back.

whew!

and as no blogg is truly complete without a picture-- junk in my car!

Today has been a verry interesting day. icey-cat got his first shot today and on Tuesday he'll be getting castrated! Hooray for catsrated kittens! lol. Also I filled my bare kitchen with NICE dishes and utensils. The kind of things i would never have been able to afford. I bout them from this very nice man who was moving out of his house. probly over 1,000 dollars in kitchen stuff. I got it all $50. INSANE! Thats why we pay tithing.... (: I mean i even have wisks, a turkey baster and a spice rack! yay! fun fun. today i invented annother recipe.

I call it: sweet chicken cheesy pasta!

put chicken breast in a shallow pan.

add 1/2 cup water.

sprinkle chicken with cinomon, creol seasoning, and parsly.

cook through then shred.

sprinkle a layer of cheese over chicken.

put cooked spaghetti noodles (you could use uncooked, but it might not taste very good...)over the chicken and cover with annother layer of cheese.

and Whala! YYUUUUM.

try it. very simple. very palatable.

i also mixed 2 parts chamomille tea with 1 part bluebery tea. also very good.

Fwd: home sweet house!

We got housing! Everybody say eehhh! Oooh! Eehhh oooh! Its beautiful. And the view out the guest bedroom is so perty. You'd never know you were in the desert. Unless of course, you knew...
A working stove! An oven a fridge! A humungus patio. They're spoiling me! We move in on monday. If you want the address shoot me an email. For obvious reasons I'm not going to post it here. Also icey is doing much better. I affectionatley call him icey-cat. And shaun not so affectionatly calls him stupid-cat. :)
shaun classed up also. He's now in the basic electronics course. Tootles!

Signed,
The Modern-Day Gypsy
"Murphy's law is only hear-say... Until you join the millitary."
-- Ila Taylor.

Finally Settled

oh so theatrical! oh so candid.

Queen Dixie
I would like to start this post by informing you all that i am an extreemly savy and wise person. Like i said, like to -- but cant. you see, today i used dishsoap in the dishwasher becuase i forgot to buy diswasher deturgent.... yeah. We all know how that ended. :) mannaged to clean it up with no harm done. lol.
However, i can truthfully say that i am a MUCH cleaner person. if i keep this up i may become a neat freak. then i can add that to the list of things about me. lets look at that list shall we?

afraid of pennies
afraid of wasps
afraid of bees
afraid of snakes
afraid that one day ants will take over the universe. my house is proof of it..... they're penetrating the walls..... *eyeball twitch*
and now that i have lived with gail, we can happily add germaphobe.

But atleast i do the dishes and laundery and scrubing and .... you know all that stuff i am now compelled to do for fear of my health.......... lets just say shaun hasnt had to complain about the house being dirty.

now its more like, "Shaun?! cant you put your shoes IN the closet instead of HALFWAY IN the closet?" or, "Shaun?! cant you put your clothes IN the dirty hamper in stead of NEXT to it?"

lol. no joke. Shaun leaves his clothes NEXT to the dirty hamper. about two weeks ago he asked me if we even had one. i laughed so hard i peed a little.

also, i found an awesome kitty litter! it actually makes the room smell GOOD. seriously dixie ate the cat poop and her breath was FRESH! insane. shaun the informed me that i was, "never to let that dog lick me in the face again."
bye!

Day in the desert.

there's nothing like a piping hot cup of spiced chai to keep your day going. Even in the middle of the desert when its 100 degrees out and there's no ac, and your foots hurt so your in the living room instead of your bedroom where your fan is. Ahhh. Yes sir. Not sure why people drink coffee even though there's spiced chai. Perhaps they're uninformed. Well uninformed or otherwise misguided people who are still drinking coffee-- spiced chai is here! You can drink it hot, on the rocks, blended with ice, in a smoothie and at room tempurature. It amazing! Colosal even! Drink up!

Signed,
The Modern-Day Gypsy
"Murphy's law is only hear-say... Until you join the millitary."
-- Ila Taylor.

He Sleeps.

icey's funny.

Signed,
The Modern-Day Gypsy
"Murphy's law is only hear-say... Until you join the millitary."
-- Ila Taylor.